Stages of Grief, Divorce and Decisions That Can Wait

Part of: Divorce Specialists

The stages of grief in divorce are the feelings many people describe as a marriage ends: shock or denial, anger, bargaining, sadness and, in time, acceptance. The five stages come from Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s 1969 book On Death and Dying, which described her observations of dying patients, not divorcing couples. They name feelings and set no timetable. They matter in law because each one can push you towards a decision you may later regret.

Divorce asks you to make some of the biggest decisions of your life about money, the home and your children while you are still grieving. This guide sets the stages against the divorce process in England and Wales, so you can see which decisions can wait and which cannot. It is one of the guides from our divorce specialists.

Being pushed to agree while you are still reeling? You can book a free initial consultation with one of our family law specialists.

What are the stages of grief in divorce?

Most lists of the 5 stages of grief divorce can bring follow the same order: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. They describe how the loss of a marriage can feel, and some writers add shock, guilt or rebuilding to make seven.

• Denial or shock: numbness, or a sense that this is a bad patch that will pass.
• Anger: at your spouse, at yourself, at the unfairness of it.
• Bargaining: trying to save the marriage, or giving ground in the hope of peace.
• Depression or sadness: tiredness, low mood and grief for the future you had planned.
• Acceptance: the marriage is over, and you start to plan the next part of your life.

A divorce can mean losing a partner, a home, daily time with your children, friends and a shared future all at once. That is why the feelings can be so strong even when you were the one who decided to leave.

Why do the stages rarely arrive in order?

Because most people do not grieve in a fixed order. A 2017 review in the journal Omega found no sound empirical evidence for the stage theory and concluded that most people do not grieve in stages.

The same review quotes the psychiatrist John Bowlby, who wrote that a person may move back and forth between phases for a time. You can feel calm on Monday and furious by Wednesday after one message about the house. That does not mean you are going backwards, and it does not mean you are not coping.

For the legal side, the useful question is whether today’s feeling is the one making the decision in front of you.

Stages of grief, divorce steps and the decision each one meets

Each stage tends to collide with a particular kind of legal decision. The table sets out the common collisions we see and what usually helps, so you can spot the risk before it costs you.

Should you sign a financial agreement while you are angry or low?

Not if you can avoid it. Once a judge approves a consent order it is legally binding, and GOV.UK explains that the judge approves it if they think it is fair, usually without a hearing.

That fairness check is no substitute for your own judgement. The court looks at all the circumstances, giving first consideration to the welfare of any child of the family under 18 (Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, s.25(1)). It cannot know what you gave up in a moment of guilt or exhaustion unless the paperwork shows it.

Anger tends to make people refuse sensible offers. Bargaining and sadness tend to make them accept poor ones. Our guide to the financial consent order explains what goes into one, and our guide to financial settlement after divorce covers how the split is worked out.

How does the divorce timetable give you time to grieve?

The law builds in two waits. You cannot apply for the conditional order until 20 weeks after the court issues the divorce application, and the final order cannot be made until 6 weeks after the conditional order (Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, s.1(4) and (5)). A court can shorten either wait in a particular case (s.1(8)), though that is the exception.

In practice GOV.UK says you must wait at least 43 days after the conditional order before applying for the final order. It also says that if you want a legally binding arrangement for money and property, you must apply to the court for it before you apply for the final order.

So the early weeks, when the first stages of grief in divorce are often strongest, are rarely the weeks when anything has to be signed. Our guide to the 20-week divorce reflection period explains how to use that time well.

What if you and your spouse are at different stages?

That is common, and it shapes negotiations. The person who decided to end the marriage has often grieved for months before saying so, while the other is meeting the news for the first time.

One of you may want to agree everything quickly while the other is still in shock. Pressure to settle fast can feel like cruelty to the person who is behind, and delay can feel like punishment to the one who is ready. Neither is a legal reason to accept terms you do not understand.

If the separation came out of nowhere, our guide to a blindside divorce covers the first practical steps.

How do the stages of grief affect children in a divorce?

Children grieve the separation too, often in their own order and at their own pace. When a court decides any question about a child’s upbringing, the child’s welfare is the paramount consideration (Children Act 1989, s.1(1)).

The welfare checklist asks the court to consider the child’s wishes and feelings in the light of their age and understanding, their emotional needs and the likely effect of any change in their circumstances (s.1(3)). The same section says delay is likely to harm a child’s welfare (s.1(2)).

Your anger at your former partner is real, but it belongs with adults you trust, not with the children. A short-term plan for who the children live with and when they see each parent can hold things steady while feelings settle. Our practical guide to parenting plans shows what one covers.

Stages of grief, divorce decisions and you: a three-question check

Pick the feeling that is loudest this week, where your divorce has reached and what is in front of you. The check shows what that feeling tends to do to decisions and where the legal clock stands. Nothing you choose leaves this page.

How long does grief after divorce last?

There is no set length, and anyone who gives you one is guessing. The legal process usually takes at least 20 weeks plus 6 weeks. Feelings do not follow the court's timetable (Matrimonial Causes Act 1973, s.1).

Many people find that the financial and children's arrangements are themselves part of moving on, because the uncertainty ends. If low mood is affecting your sleep, work or care of your children, your GP is a good first step, and GOV.UK's divorce guide points to Relate and the Counselling Directory for emotional support.

Stages of grief divorce: frequently asked questions

General information about the law in England and Wales, not advice on your circumstances.