How to Tell Children About Divorce: What to Say and When

Part of: Divorce Specialists

Knowing how to tell children about divorce starts before you say a word. Decide when to tell them, who will be in the room and what you will say. Children need to hear it from you, in words that fit their age. They also need to know it is not their fault. Cafcass, which advises the family court on children, says children of all ages sense the problems behind a separation. If nobody explains, they may decide they are to blame.

This guide covers timing, what to say at each age, what to leave out and the weeks afterwards. The legal side takes only a few lines. It forms part of our guidance for parents going through a divorce from our divorce specialists. If the other parent has hurt you or the children, start with the section on telling children when one parent is unsafe. If anyone is in danger now, call 999.

Dreading the conversation, or unsure what you can promise them yet? You can book a free initial consultation with one of our family law specialists.

When should you tell your children about the divorce?

Tell them once the decision is definite and before anything visible changes, such as one of you moving out. That way they hear it from you instead of piecing it together from overheard rows or a packed suitcase.

Waiting for a perfect moment rarely helps, because children sense the problems even when nobody has explained them. Pick a calm time when nobody has to rush off afterwards, such as a weekend morning, so the rest of the day is free for their questions. Avoid the school run and bedtime. If the decision is still uncertain, hold off until it is not.

If you can, settle the first few weeks before you tell the children about the divorce. Decide where everyone will sleep and when they will see each parent. Cafcass’s advice is to reassure a child only about what you know you can make happen.

Should you tell the children together?

Yes, if the two of you can stay calm in the same room. Hearing it from both of you shows that you will still work together as their parents. It also stops either of you becoming the one who “did this”. Cafcass advises reassuring a child about what will happen, ideally together with their other parent.

Agree a short explanation beforehand that blames nobody, such as “we cannot make each other happy living together”. Agree too on what you will say about where everyone will live. Then stick to it on the day. Cafcass calls the work before this conversation emotional readiness. It means setting aside your own anger or hurt about the other parent, so you can hear how your child feels.

If you cannot agree the words, one calm parent is better than two who argue in front of them. Keep the other parent out of the reasons, and leave room for them to talk to the children too.

What to say to children about divorce at each age

Younger children need a few short sentences about who will look after them and where they will sleep. Older children need a fuller, honest account of what will change. Cafcass suggests sharing your plans with a child in full or in part, depending on their age and how much they can understand. Every child needs to hear that it is not their fault and that you both still love them.

How might children react when you tell them about the divorce?

Children show distress in different ways. Cafcass notes that babies and young children may become clingy or have trouble sleeping. Older children may get angry or find it hard to get on with friends. Cafcass lists other reactions too: some children feel responsible, some want to put things right, and some feel relieved.

Older children may ask whether they can choose where to live. They should say what they want. Cafcass suggests making clear that you and their other parent will make the final decisions. That way they are not left choosing between you. Our guide on choosing which parent to live with explains how a court weighs an older child’s views.

What should you never say to your children?

Never blame the other parent or share the adult reasons for the split. Do not ask them to choose a side, and avoid promising anything you cannot be sure of. Do not brush their feelings aside either, because Cafcass warns that dismissing a child’s feelings can lead them to hide them.

• Details of affairs, money or who decided to leave. Cafcass is plain that children do not need to know all the details about the break-up.
• Criticism of their other parent, in front of them or within earshot. Children tell Cafcass that hearing their parents blame each other can make them feel torn apart.
• Offers such as “you can come and live with me if you want”, which ask a child to pick a side.
• Messages for them to carry, such as “tell your mum she’s late again”. Cafcass says it is damaging for children to be put in the middle, as judge, spy or parent.
• Brushing feelings off with “don’t be silly, there’s nothing to be upset about”. Cafcass suggests naming the feeling instead, such as “it sounds like this is really making you sad”.
• Hints that you might get back together. If they hope for that, talk about it honestly and avoid raising false hopes.

How to tell children about divorce: plan your first conversation

Answer three questions. The planner then suggests opening words, what to say about the weeks ahead and what to keep out of it. Nothing you choose leaves this page or is saved.

What happens after you tell the children about the divorce?

The first talk is only the start. Over the following weeks, expect more questions, and make sure that what you told them holds true. Cafcass advises parents to deliver on what they have said will happen, or to explain honestly why they could not. Tell the children as soon as anything new is decided.

Expect anger, sometimes at both of you. Cafcass describes children grieving for what they have lost and advises parents not to take that anger personally. Tell them it is all right to love you both and to enjoy time with their other parent. You may need to say it more than once.

Watch for changes in behaviour, such as trouble at school, falling out with friends or avoiding the subject. Some children prefer to talk to someone outside the family, so that they do not upset either parent. Cafcass suggests contacting your GP or the school counsellor if you think that is happening. Our guide to the effects of divorce on children covers the longer term. For the first birthdays and holidays apart, see our guide to coping with festive holidays after separation.

How to tell children about divorce when one parent is unsafe

Plan for safety first, and do not arrange to tell the children together. Until you and they are safe, do not tell them anything they might repeat. If anyone is in danger now, call 999.

Children who see or hear domestic abuse, or experience its effects, are victims of it in their own right. That is what section 3 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 says, for children related to either adult. The family court follows Practice Direction 12J when abuse is alleged in a dispute about children. It says domestic abuse is harmful to children, even a child too young to be aware of it (para 4).

When you do tell the children about the divorce, keep to what will happen to them. Leave out what happened between the adults. Keep reassuring them that none of it is their fault. Avoid promising time with the other parent until arrangements are safe and settled. Our list of domestic abuse helplines has numbers you can call from somewhere private. Our guide to the non-molestation order explains the protection the family court can give. For how the court approaches time with the other parent, see our guide to domestic abuse and child contact.

What does the law say about arrangements for the children?

The divorce itself does not decide where the children will live. Parents can agree child arrangements between themselves. If they cannot, a court can make a child arrangements order (Children Act 1989, s.8). That order says who a child lives with and when they spend time with each parent.

GOV.UK lists what to agree if you want to avoid going to court. That covers where the children live, their time with each parent and how you support them financially. Cafcass's free online tool, Our Child's Plan, was formerly called the Cafcass Parenting Plan. It lets you agree arrangements online and then create a version your child can read. That makes it a useful script for the next conversation with them. Our practical guide to parenting plans explains what to put in one. Where conflict is high, our guide to parallel parenting may suit you better.

What happens if you cannot agree?

Either of you can apply to the family court for a child arrangements order. GOV.UK says you will usually need to show you have tried mediation before you apply, and the court fee is £270.

When it decides, the court treats the child's welfare as its paramount consideration (Children Act 1989, s.1). It also considers the child's wishes and feelings in the light of their age and understanding. A judge or Cafcass may refer you to Planning Together for Children. That course replaced the Separated Parents Information Programme (SPIP) in 2023. Our guide to the Separated Parents Information Programme explains how the newer course works.

How to tell children about divorce: frequently asked questions

General information about the law in England and Wales, not advice on your circumstances.