Breaking The News Of The Separation To Your Children During Divorce

By Garry SteedmanPublished 11 October 2019Updated 18 August 20266 mins read7 sections

Part of: Divorce Specialists

Where a decision of separation or divorce has already been made between the parents breaking this news to the children is often a very difficult and daunting task. Parents often fear the reaction of children when they find out about the separation of their parents, which can be a life changing event for them, and children react differently depending on a child’s age and the family situation.

Our family lawyers understand that each child and every family is different. It is vital that separated parents take time to think about their children and family before they break this devastating news, as maintaining a good relationship with them supports their mental health.

The most important aspect of breaking the news of a divorce or separation is to assure the children of their security and reaffirm them that both parents will continue to be a part of the children’s lives. Children should be afforded the opportunity to express their feelings and wishes in this important talk and conversation about what is happening when talking about their parents separating. Parents should keep their conflicts aside for the love of their children and formulate a plan on how they will break the news of their separation to their children and how much detail and what information they should provide, making clear that separation is an adult decision and avoiding too much detail.

Pick the right time and environment to speak to the children

It is important to ensure the timing is right when talking to children about their parents separation.

You may want to ensure children are advised of separation when both parents have sufficient time to answer any questions children may have with regards to their divorce and allow plenty of time to console children who may experience an emotional outbreak, rather than right before school or soccer practice when there is less time for support.

It is also worth telling the news to children in a relaxed environment, ideally in the home in which children will feel comfortable, safe and secure and which will allow them to openly discuss any concerns they may have, helping preserve their sense of safety while this is happening.

Control your emotions when discussing your divorce with the children

During separation or divorce emotions are often running high between the parents. It is therefore important that parents control their emotions when sharing the news with their children. If parents break down in front of children, they may feel sad or become worried and sad too, and this can make a big difference to how secure they feel.

It is equally important that both parents treat each other with respect in front of the children. This will show the children that despite deciding on separation you are still amicable and are able to get along for the sake of your children. Children pick up on their parents behaviour, and more arguments in front of kids or any rude behaviour or abuse may also make them feel it is ok for them to be impolite to others. Parents should also try and not to blame each other or discuss legal issues in front of their children as it will not be in their best interest. Blaming one partner could lead to feelings of hatred from the children towards a parent and may destabilise their relationship with the parent being blamed.

Only discuss the information the children need to know

Parents should try and limit the information provided to the children at an early stage and only advise them of what they need to know. Advising children about the reasons for a divorce or separation may result in more psychological harm to the children such as anxiety.

Reassure the children when telling them the news of your separation

Children should be provided reassurance. Parents should explain to the children that it is normal for them to be upset at seeing their parents separate. Children will be in need of comfort and it is important that both parents are at hand should the matter escalate emotionally. Children will also need to be reassured that they are still loved by both parents and they are not responsible for the arguments or actions which caused their parents to separate.

Provide clarity and certainty on the children’s future

Hearing the news of separation can often cause uncertainty and a lack of security to children. It is therefore extremely important that children are made aware of what the future holds for them. Children will often worry about where they will live, which parent will live with them and how the separation will affect their daily living. In order to help children feel secure parents should advise them of any arrangements they have decided upon. Many parents prefer providing their children with a timetable of the times they will spend with each other. This can allow both the parents and children the opportunity to plan ahead and plan activities the children enjoy and minimising the disruption they are likely to experience.

Comfort the children during and after your discussion with them

It is often a difficult time when the children have been told about separation as one parent may be moving out of the family hope. It is therefore helpful for a child to remain in familiar surroundings which help comfort them. If one parent is leaving, the children should be informed on when they will be leaving, where they will stay, when the children will see the departing parent and how to contact them should they wish to discuss anything with them. Children should be comforted and told that they are not alone during this time.

Offer continued support to children once they have been told about your divorce

It is important to remember that children who are going through the difficult phase of their parents separating will need continuous support. It is therefore advisable for the children to remain in regular contact with both children so they understand that both parents will continue to be a part of their life and they are loved equally by both parents.

Our family specialists have years of experience in dealing with divorce and child arrangements.

If you are looking for a family lawyer in York or advice on separation and children then contact us today on 0330 094 5880 to arrange an initial consultation.  At Kabir Family Law we understand that each home and matter is different, and we will therefore provide you with tailored advice right from the initial consultation through to the conclusion of your family law matter.