Success story
By Iblal Iqbal“If you leave, God will punish you, and everyone will know what you did.” A mother of three heard that for years. When her husband applied for time with the children, she worried the judge would call it a religious quarrel. We advised her that spiritual abuse can be domestic abuse.
What he did in the name of their faith
Their shared faith still matters to her, but her husband made himself its only judge. He checked her clothes before she went out. He chose her friends, calling one “a danger to your soul”, and banned the place of worship where she felt welcome. A list on the fridge, in his handwriting, set out where she could go and when.
She left with the children after he told their eldest, aged nine, that God would punish Mummy. In a family group chat, his relatives said she had shamed them all. He sought a child arrangements order, calling it a dispute about religious upbringing. She had never heard the words spiritual abuse.
Can spiritual abuse be domestic abuse?
It can. Section 1 of the Domestic Abuse Act 2021 applies to abusive behaviour between personally connected people aged 16 or over, such as spouses. Its list of abusive behaviour includes controlling or coercive behaviour and “psychological, emotional or other abuse”, with no exception for faith.
Under section 3, a child related to either parent who sees or hears the abuse, or experiences its effects, is a victim too.
Statutory guidance under section 84 covers abuse relating to faith, which some call religious abuse. It accepts that faith can be “a source of support and comfort to victims”, but says such abuse, including stopping someone attending communal worship, “can amount to psychological or emotional abuse and to coercive or controlling behaviour”. It is not issued to judges but shows how the government reads the definition.
Family courts apply the Act’s definition through Practice Direction 12J, where controlling behaviour means acts designed to make someone “subordinate and/or dependent”, including by “isolating them from sources of support” and “regulating their everyday behaviour”. Coercive behaviour covers threats and humiliation “used to harm, punish, or frighten the victim”.
Turning years of rules into evidence
He denied everything, and the court decided a fact-finding hearing was needed before any decision about the children. We explained that the judge would test his conduct against those definitions and not rule on anyone’s beliefs.
Her first account of the spiritual abuse ran to pages on what their faith teaches about marriage. We advised her to cut them: debating doctrine would hand him the argument she feared. She sorted her examples by the part of the definition each fitted: rules regulating her everyday behaviour, isolation from friends and worship, and threats that frightened her into staying.
Paragraph 19(c) of the Practice Direction directs the court to consider a schedule listing incidents as well as “any pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour”. Her Scott schedule summarised the pattern under each heading, then gave two or three dated examples.
She had photographed the fridge list and kept the group chat. With the court’s permission, a friend from her chosen place of worship gave a statement describing her last visit, when she arrived in tears saying she could not return.
She feared her community would hear of it. Children cases are normally heard in private (Family Procedure Rules, rule 27.10), and rule 12.73 restricts what either parent may share, so we advised her not to discuss it in her community.
What the judge found about the religious abuse
For each allegation, the judge asked: on the evidence, did it probably happen? His rules, backed by the fridge list, were found proved, as was the ban on worship her friend confirmed.
The judge also found he had used threats of shame and God’s punishment to stop her leaving. Together, this was controlling and coercive behaviour. One allegation failed: he denied reading her messages nightly, and nothing else supported it.
The judge did not criticise either parent’s faith. Having weighed the risk of harm, the judge ordered that the children stay with her and see their father on alternate Saturdays, with handovers at a contact centre. The order records the parents’ agreement that each may take them to worship in their own time, and neither will say God will punish the other. Other evidence could produce another result.
Steps to take this week if you face spiritual abuse
If you have not yet told the court, use form C1A to raise the abuse. Check any deadlines your order sets for your statement and schedule. Write down the incidents you remember best, with the date, place and words used. Photograph written rules or lists; keep messages and group chats unedited.
Think about who saw what happened, such as a friend or faith leader, and note what the children were told. Read our guides to coercive control and, where relatives join in threats of shame, honour-based abuse. In an emergency, call 999.
“When control is dressed up as faith, write down who made each rule and what it changed in your day. ‘My partner said I must be home by four’ tells a judge far more than ‘our faith expects it’.
Did you stop seeing a friend, or miss worship you valued? If a word or practice has a special meaning in your community, explain it plainly the first time you use it, so nothing rests on a guess.”
Hannah Overton, Complex Children Specialist & Client Support, Kabir Family Law
Not sure whether it counts as abuse?
Many people living with spiritual abuse doubt a court will take it seriously, especially while they still hold the faith. A free first consultation is confidential; tell our family law specialists what happened in your own words.
She agreed to us sharing this anonymised account, with identifying details changed. See how we write up client accounts.
The legal issue
A mother of three had lived for years under rules her husband said their faith demanded. He decided what she wore, which friends she saw and where she worshipped, and a handwritten timetable on the fridge fixed her outings. He warned that leaving him would bring God's punishment and public shame, and told their eldest child, aged nine, the same about her. Once she had left with the children, his family accused her in a group chat of shaming them. He then made his own application for a child arrangements order and framed the case as a disagreement over the children's religious upbringing. She was afraid the judge would treat the abuse as a clash of beliefs.
The law this rests on
- Domestic Abuse Act 2021 s.1(2): behaviour of one person towards another is domestic abuse if both are aged 16 or over, they are personally connected to each other, and the behaviour is abusive.
- Domestic Abuse Act 2021 s.1(3)(c) and (e): abusive behaviour includes controlling or coercive behaviour and psychological, emotional or other abuse, and it does not matter whether the behaviour consists of a single incident or a course of conduct.
- Domestic Abuse Act 2021 s.2(1)(a): two people are personally connected if they are, or have been, married to each other.
- Domestic Abuse Act 2021 s.3(2): a victim of domestic abuse includes a child who sees or hears, or experiences the effects of, the abuse and is related to either person.
- Domestic Abuse Act 2021 s.84(1) and (2)(a): the Secretary of State may issue guidance about the effect of provisions of the Act and about other matters relating to domestic abuse, and must, in particular, issue guidance about the effect of sections 1 and 2, including guidance as to particular kinds of behaviour that amount to domestic abuse. s.84(4): a person exercising public functions to whom the guidance relates must have regard to it, but nothing in s.84 permits guidance to be issued to a court or tribunal.
- Domestic Abuse: statutory guidance (July 2022, updated April 2023), issued under s.84, paras 77, 78 and 81 (Abuse relating to faith): faith can be a source of support and comfort to victims; domestic abuse can occur through using, manipulating or exploiting a person's faith, including preventing them from performing acts of worship, prayers or attending communal worship; abuse relating to faith can amount to psychological or emotional abuse and to coercive or controlling behaviour.
- FPR Practice Direction 12J para 2A: domestic abuse has the same meaning as in the Domestic Abuse Act 2021.
- PD12J para 3: controlling behaviour means an act or pattern of acts designed to make a person subordinate and/or dependent by isolating them from sources of support, exploiting their resources and capacities for personal gain, depriving them of the means needed for independence, resistance and escape and regulating their everyday behaviour. Coercive behaviour means an act or a pattern of acts of assault, threats, humiliation and intimidation or other abuse that is used to harm, punish, or frighten the victim.
- PD12J para 16: the court should determine as soon as possible whether it is necessary to conduct a fact-finding hearing in relation to any disputed allegation of domestic abuse.
- PD12J para 19(c): where a fact-finding hearing is necessary, the court should consider whether the key facts in dispute can be contained in a schedule or table that includes details and/or examples of specific events and of any pattern of coercive and controlling behaviour, to help the judge consider the alleged abuse holistically, and that sets out the other party's response.
- PD12J para 35: when deciding the issue of child arrangements, the court should ensure that any order for contact will not expose the child to an unmanageable risk of harm and will be in the best interests of the child.
- FPR rule 27.10(1): proceedings to which the rules apply will be held in private, except where the rules or any other enactment provide otherwise or the court directs otherwise.
- FPR rule 12.19(2): in section 8 proceedings, unless the court directs otherwise, a party must not file or serve any document other than in accordance with the rules or a practice direction.
- FPR rule 12.73: for the law of contempt, information relating to children proceedings held in private may be communicated only to the people and in the circumstances the rules allow; except as provided for under rule 12.73A, nothing in that Chapter permits communication to the public at large, or any section of the public.
- Standard of proof: findings are made on the balance of probabilities, so the judge asks of each allegation whether it probably happened.
- Form C1A (gov.uk): used to tell the court about harm a parent or child has suffered or is at risk of suffering, or to respond to allegations in the other person's application.
How we approached it
We advised her that the court would judge his behaviour against the legal definitions of domestic abuse without deciding any question of belief, and that pages on religious teaching would only invite argument. We helped her match each example to the Practice Direction 12J wording it fitted: regulating her everyday behaviour, isolating her from support, and threats used to frighten her. Her schedule set out the overall pattern before a short run of dated examples for each strand, quoting his words. She relied on her photograph of the fridge timetable and the relatives' messages and, with the court's permission, a short statement from a friend at the place of worship she had chosen. We also explained the privacy rules in children cases and advised her to say nothing about the case within her community.
The outcome
On the balance of probabilities, the judge found proved his control of her clothes and time, his ban on her chosen place of worship, and his use of threats of shame and divine punishment to keep her from leaving, and held that together they amounted to controlling and coercive behaviour. The allegation that he read her messages each night was not proved. The judge made no criticism of either parent's beliefs. The judge weighed the risk of harm before deciding contact: the children's home stayed with their mother, and their father has them on alternate Saturdays, changing over at a contact centre. The order notes that both parents agreed each may take the children to worship during their own time, and that neither will tell the children the other faces punishment. The result rested on this family's evidence and is no guarantee for anyone else.
What to take from this
- The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 definition reaches spouses and other personally connected people, provided both are aged 16 or over. Section 1 makes no exception where faith is given as the reason.
- Government guidance issued under s.84 says abuse relating to faith (what many people call spiritual or religious abuse) can amount to psychological or emotional abuse and to coercive or controlling behaviour. Preventing someone from attending communal worship is one of its examples. The guidance is not addressed to judges, but it shows how the government reads the definition.
- A fact-finding hearing looks at what was done, so leave arguments about religious teaching out of your statement.
- Sort your examples by the part of the Practice Direction 12J definitions each one fits, and support each strand with a few dated incidents in the other person's own words.
- Keep handwritten rules, timetables and family messages exactly as they are, and think about who saw what was happening. Write down what the children were told or overheard. Under section 3, children who see or hear the abuse, or experience its effects, are victims too if they are related to either of you.
- Under FPR rule 27.10, hearings about children are normally private, and rule 12.73 limits who information about the case may be passed to. That limit binds both parents, so keep the case out of conversations in your community.
- Form C1A is the form for telling the court about harm you or the children have suffered or are at risk of suffering. Diary every date the court has set for your statement and schedule. In an emergency, call 999.
Checked and approved for publication by Hannah Overton.
Last reviewed .
