A child refusing to see a parent, and a gentler way back

By Hannah OvertonPublished 28 October 20269 mins read11 sections

For months, a father had arrived at the agreed handover point and gone home alone. His child would not come out. This is an anonymised account of a child refusing to see a parent, and of how our family law specialists helped that father rebuild the relationship without dragging his child through a fight. It is shared with his consent.

He came to us with a child arrangements order already in place. On paper, he had regular time with his child. In practice, the visits had stopped. The other parent said the child simply did not want to go and could not be forced. He believed the reluctance had been encouraged at home. He wanted the court to punish the breach, and he wanted his child back in his life.

Why a child refusing to see a parent is so hard to fix

His first instinct was enforcement. We understood why. Under section 11J of the Children Act 1989, a court can make an enforcement order if it is sure, beyond reasonable doubt, that a parent failed to follow the order. It cannot make one if that parent shows, on the balance of probabilities, that they had a reasonable excuse. The order itself imposes unpaid work on the parent in breach. That might punish the other parent. It would do nothing to change how his child felt about seeing him.

We also explained how the court would look at his child’s wishes. Section 1(3)(a) of the Act tells the court to consider them in light of the child’s age and understanding. Those wishes matter, but they are one factor on the welfare checklist. The court’s first task would be to find out why the child was resisting.

What the law allows instead of forcing a child

For a child refusing to see a parent, Parliament built a middle route into the Act. Under section 11A, the court can make an activity direction while a case is still running. It requires a parent to attend something that helps a child’s relationship with a parent, such as a programme for separated parents. Section 11C lets the court attach a similar activity condition to a final order.

There are firm limits. A direction cannot require anyone to undergo medical or psychiatric assessment or treatment, or to take part in mediation (section 11A(6)). Nor can it require the child to take part, because section 11B(2) rules that out. Before making one, the court must be satisfied under section 11E that the activity suits the case, that the provider is suitable, and that the parent can reasonably get to it. You can read more in our guide to activity directions in child arrangement orders.

What we did

We advised him to hold enforcement in reserve. Instead, we helped him apply to the court to look at the order again. We advised him to ask for a section 7 report, so that a Cafcass officer could speak with the child and find out why the child was refusing to see this parent. The report found the child was anxious about the handovers themselves. Tense exchanges between the adults on the doorstep had become the thing the child dreaded. The child also felt caught between two parents.

We then helped him ask for an activity direction requiring both parents to attend a separated parents programme. The course and the provider were named, and both parents could get to it. He also asked for directions under section 11(7) moving handovers to school, so the parents did not have to meet. Visits would restart in shorter, gentler steps. We also advised him to ask the judge to fix a review hearing on the same day, so the case could not drift.

The outcome

The court made the activity direction and the handover directions he had asked for. Both parents completed the programme. By the review hearing, the child who had been refusing contact was spending time with our client again, with visits slowly building up. The court then made a final child arrangements order that kept the school handovers in place. Every family is different, and the result here turned on its own evidence. It is not a prediction for any other case.

What to take from this if your child is refusing to see you

If your child is refusing contact and will not come to the door, your feelings can push you towards enforcement. Often the better first step is to find out why. A welfare report can bring the real cause into the open. An activity direction then works on the adults, which is where the court has power to change things. The Act treats delay as likely to harm a child (section 1(2)), so ask for a review date early.

Refusal can sometimes be a sign of something deeper. Our pages on parental alienation and when a child refuses contact explain how courts tell the difference. You can also read how we prepare these success stories.

“A child who refuses to see a parent may be telling you something about how contact feels, so find out what that is before you ask the court to enforce the order. The court can require either parent, or both, to attend a programme that helps rebuild a parent’s involvement in the child’s life, but it cannot require the child to take part. Start with gentler handovers and shorter visits, so your child sees the adults change first.”

Hannah Overton, Complex Children Specialist, Kabir Family Law

Talk to us in confidence

If you are facing a child refusing to see a parent, you do not have to work it out alone. A free initial consultation is a private conversation with one of our family law specialists. You can explain what has been happening and ask your questions. You will come away knowing where you stand. There is no obligation, and no cost for that first call. Use the form below when you feel ready.