My ex smacked my child: how a mother kept contact safe

By Hannah OvertonPublished 28 October 202610 mins read11 sections

One Sunday evening, a mother was bathing her young son after a weekend at his father’s. She saw a red mark on the back of his leg, and he said Daddy had smacked him. Next morning her message to us was short: my ex smacked my child, and I want contact stopped today. This anonymised account shows what our family law specialists advised.

A red mark after a weekend with Dad

The parents had separated when their son was a baby. He spent alternate weekends with his father by agreement, and there was no court order. She was frightened to send him back, yet feared that keeping him home would put her in the wrong.

A smack is one of several reasons to stop child contact that parents raise. Whether it justifies stopping contact depends on the facts and two areas of law.

My ex smacked my child: what the law says

In England, section 58 of the Children Act 2004 limits the defence of reasonable punishment. It cannot be used against more serious charges, such as assault occasioning actual bodily harm or child cruelty. Common assault is not on that list, so in England a parent can still raise the defence to it.

In Wales, the Children (Abolition of Defence of Reasonable Punishment) (Wales) Act 2020 abolished the defence from 21 March 2022. Our guide to smacking law in the UK explains the criminal side.

The family court asks a different question: what is best for the child? Under section 1(1) of the Children Act 1989, the child’s welfare is the court’s paramount consideration. If the other parent opposes an order about contact, the court applies the welfare checklist in section 1(3). It includes any harm the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering.

Section 1(2A) tells the court to presume, unless the contrary is shown, that each parent’s involvement will further the child’s welfare. Under section 1(6), that covers a parent who can be involved without putting the child at risk of suffering harm. So one smack does not automatically end a child’s contact, but the court will weigh the risk of it happening again.

What we advised when her ex smacked her child

We understood the urge to stop contact at once. Even so, we advised a measured response to protect her son and hold up in court.

First, she wrote down her son’s exact words, with the date and time. We advised her not to ask leading questions or keep questioning him, so that his first words stayed his own. She photographed the mark and took him to the GP that morning. The doctor recorded a fading red mark and no other injury.

Where there is a real concern for a child’s safety, a parent should contact children’s social care or the police. She chose to call children’s social care, who took the details and spoke to both parents.

We advised her to keep contact going in a safer form. She paused the overnight stays and offered daytime visits, with the father’s sister present. We helped her write a calm letter to the father. It asked him to confirm in writing that he would never smack or physically punish their child, and to complete a parenting course.

We also prepared her for court if he refused. As a parent, she could apply for a section 8 order without permission under section 10(4), using form C100. A child arrangements order could set out safe contact. A prohibited steps order could forbid a named step without the court’s consent. Before applying, she would usually need to attend a family mediation information and assessment meeting (MIAM). Section 10(1) of the Children and Families Act 2014 requires it, subject to exemptions in the court rules.

Contact back, step by step

The father was angry, but within days he accepted it. His son had run towards a road, and he had smacked his leg in panic. He was ashamed of it.

In writing, he promised never to smack or physically punish his child. He finished a parenting course, and children’s social care took no further action. Contact built back up, from daytime visits to one overnight stay and then alternate weekends. A parenting plan set out the stages, with a review date.

She asked whether she still needed a court order. We explained the no order principle in section 1(5) of the Children Act 1989. A court makes an order only if that is better for the child than none. With the plan working, she decided not to apply, knowing she could if anything changed. Every case turns on its own facts, so this is not a promise about any other family.

What you can take from this

If your child says your ex hit them, stay calm, write down their words and get any mark checked that day. If you believe your child is at real risk, call children’s social care or the police straight away. Otherwise, a safer interim arrangement usually protects a child better than stopping contact with no explanation. You can also read how we prepare these success stories.

“After a smack, a child needs to hear that they are not in trouble for telling you, and that the adults will sort it out. Then agree with the other parent, in writing, how both homes will handle bad behaviour, such as time out or losing a treat, so discipline looks the same wherever your child sleeps. In England, reasonable punishment is no defence where a smack causes actual bodily harm, and in Wales that defence has been abolished.”

Hannah Overton, Complex Children Specialist, Kabir Family Law

Talk it through with us

If your ex smacked your child and you are unsure what to do, you need not decide alone. Book a free initial consultation: it is confidential and carries no obligation. Tell us what happened, and we will explain your options.