Sibling Abuse: When Fighting Turns Into Harm

Part of: Child Lawyer

Sibling abuse is when one brother or sister keeps hurting, frightening, humiliating or controlling another, and one child becomes the target. US researchers define it as one-sided behaviour that causes serious physical or emotional harm, or is very likely to. One serious incident can be enough, they add.

Brothers and sisters fight, and most parents expect it. The hard part is seeing when the fighting has turned into something else. That is harder still after a separation, when children move between two homes. This guide covers the signs, what a parent can do, and when social services or the family court step in. It explains the law in England and Wales and forms part of our guide to hidden forms of abuse.

Worried about what is happening between your children? You can book a free initial consultation with one of our family law specialists.

What is sibling abuse?

It is physical, emotional or psychological harm that one brother or sister causes another. It usually happens again and again, to the same child. The SAARA researchers flag kicking, beating and punching as carrying a high risk of serious harm. Serious threats, blackmail, repeated humiliation and intimidation are also abuse, as is deliberately breaking things the other child treasures.

This can happen between full brothers and sisters, half-siblings and step-siblings. The government’s statutory guidance on domestic abuse also names siblings among the family members who can be abusive (para 28).

Emotional harm is the easiest kind to miss, because it leaves no marks. The NSPCC describes the emotional abuse of a child as continual emotional mistreatment, including humiliating, constantly criticising, threatening and name-calling. When a brother or sister does those things day after day, it deserves the same attention.

Abuse between siblings can also be sexual. If you suspect that, contact the police or the NSPCC Helpline straight away.

Sibling rivalry or sibling abuse: how can you tell?

Sibling rivalry is competition: children squabble over a parent’s attention, time or things, and neither always loses. It becomes abuse when the harm runs one way, with one child always coming off worst. That child is often younger, smaller or less able to stand up for themselves.

Childline tells children that lots of brothers and sisters fight, but that it is not okay to hurt a sibling or be hurt. The SAARA bulletin from US researchers draws the line more precisely. Rivalry carries no intent to harm or control a brother or sister. In abuse, one child is typically a consistent victim. That usually reflects a power difference, such as size, age, ability or their role in the family.

A child who fights back is not proof of a fair fight. The same researchers say resistance is not mutuality. Look instead at who starts it, who usually comes off worse and who seems afraid.

What are the signs of sibling abuse?

The main signs are a child who fears a sibling, avoids them or gives in to keep the peace. Injuries, threats or broken belongings that nobody can explain are signs too. Some children make excuses for it or do not realise it is wrong. So a lack of complaints does not mean all is well.

Those signs come from the SAARA guidance. It also treats a lasting emotional impact on a child as a likely marker of abuse. At home, that might look like:

• one child who nearly always ends up hurt or in tears
• bruises, or favourite things broken or “lost”, with no clear story
• a child who will not stay alone in a room with their brother or sister
• secrets, threats or “you’ll be sorry if you tell”
• a child who is overly eager to please the other one

The NSPCC’s wider warning signs include unexplained changes in behaviour, anxiety, withdrawal and unusual aggression. However, it adds that these signs do not always mean abuse. Other things in a child’s life may explain them.

What should a parent do if one child is hurting another?

Stop it every time, and keep the children supervised or apart while you work out what is happening. Listen to the child on the receiving end, and do not ask them to sort it out themselves. Then write down what you have seen and get help from the school, children’s social care or the NSPCC.

The SAARA researchers say parents must take notice and stop abuse, however the children themselves see it. So do not wait for the hurt child to complain. Equally, do not make them face their sibling to “talk it out”, because that hands the power straight back.

Both children need you here. The child causing the harm is still a child. Getting help for them is part of protecting their brother or sister.

Meanwhile, keep a simple record of each incident. Note the date, what happened, the words used, any injury or damage, and how each child seemed afterwards. Photograph injuries and broken belongings. Keep any messages on a phone, tablet or games console rather than deleting them, because they may matter later.

Supporting an adult relative who is on the receiving end? Our guide to helping someone through emotional abuse covers what to say and what to avoid.

When do social services step in?

Children’s social care step in when someone raises a concern about a child. The council must then make enquiries if it has reasonable cause to suspect significant harm (Children Act 1989, s.47). That covers a child who is suffering significant harm and one who is likely to.

Anyone can raise a concern. GOV.UK tells people who think a child is at risk to contact children’s social care at the child’s local council.

Harm is a wide idea in the Children Act 1989. It includes ill-treatment that is not physical (s.31(9)). It also covers impairment a child suffers from seeing or hearing the ill-treatment of another. So a younger child who watches an older brother torment a sister can suffer harm too.

Many parents fear that asking for help with sibling abuse will count against them. In fact a care order is a high bar. Before making one, the court must find that a child is suffering, or likely to suffer, significant harm (s.31(2)). The harm must also be down to the care the child receives, or to the child being beyond parental control. The test is whether that care is what it would be reasonable to expect a parent to give. A parent who sees the problem and acts is in a very different position from one who ignores it.

Our guides to the section 47 enquiry and to a social services investigation explain each step. If the school raises the concern first, our guide to school safeguarding referrals covers what happens next.

What can the police do?

Where a child aged 10 or over assaults a brother or sister, the police can investigate it as a crime. No child under 10 can be guilty of an offence (Children and Young Persons Act 1933, s.50). With younger children, the response comes through children’s social care instead.

Is sibling abuse domestic abuse in law?

Yes, once both siblings are 16 or over. The Domestic Abuse Act 2021 covers abusive behaviour between people aged 16 or over with a personal connection (s.1). Being relatives is one of those connections (s.2).

“Relative” has the meaning in the Family Law Act 1996 (s.63). That includes a brother or sister of the full blood or the half blood. Under the statutory guidance, abuse by a child of 16 or over towards a sibling falls within the definition (para 32).

Sibling abuse does not always stop in childhood. An adult brother or sister who threatens, harasses or controls you is what many people call a toxic sibling. You can apply for a non-molestation order, because relatives count as associated persons (Family Law Act 1996, s.62(3)(d)). Our guide to the non-molestation order explains how an application works.

Step-siblings and blended families: what can the family court do?

If a sibling or step-sibling is harming your child at your ex’s home, the family court can decide where your child lives and when they spend time with each parent. It must consider any harm the child has suffered or is at risk of suffering (Children Act 1989, s.1(3)(e)).

Step-siblings who barely know each other can suddenly share bedrooms and weekends, so some friction at first is normal. A step-sibling who singles your child out, hurts them or frightens them is a different matter. Start by putting your concerns to the other parent in writing, calmly and with dates.

If that does not work, the court can make a child arrangements order. The order can carry conditions that a parent named in it must follow (s.11(7)). In some cases, a prohibited steps order can stop a parent taking a specified step without the court’s consent (s.8).

Stopping your child’s time with the other parent on your own can count against you later. Get advice first, unless your child is in immediate danger. Our guide to sibling contact orders covers time together for brothers and sisters who live apart.

Sibling abuse or rivalry? Check what you are seeing at home

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Sibling abuse: frequently asked questions

General information about the law in England and Wales, not advice on your circumstances.