Family law guide
By Tom Atkinson
Part of: Hidden Forms of Abuse: Recognition, Protection, and Recovery
Emotional blackmail is using threats, guilt or fear to make someone do what you want, such as “If you leave, I’ll kill myself” or “You’ll never see the children again”. It is an everyday phrase rather than a legal term. Even so, the government’s statutory guidance on controlling or coercive behaviour lists threats of suicide used to stop a partner leaving, and threats that the children will be taken away (para 84).
If you are in danger now, call 999. Our list of domestic abuse helplines has numbers for confidential support. If someone else checks this phone or computer, a private or incognito window keeps this page out of its history.
Most couples put pressure on each other now and then, so it can be hard to know when it has crossed a line. This guide explains what the term means and the threats people most often describe. It sets out when the pattern counts as domestic abuse in England and Wales, what to do if a partner threatens to harm themselves, and the protection a family court can give. It forms part of our guide to hidden forms of abuse.
Key takeaways
- Official guidance names threats of suicide and threats about the children as ways an abuser can control a partner (statutory guidance, para 84).
- Controlling or coercive behaviour, and emotional or psychological abuse, count as domestic abuse under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s.1(3), even with no violence.
- Repeated controlling behaviour with a serious effect on you can be a crime, with a maximum of five years in prison (Serious Crime Act 2015, s.76). It covers ex-partners too.
- If a partner says they are about to harm themselves, call 999. Getting them help does not oblige you to stay or give in.
- Keep every threatening message. The CPS lists suicide threats sent by text, email or social media as evidence.
Told that everything bad that happens will be your fault? You can book a free initial consultation with one of our family law specialists.
What is emotional blackmail?
It means pressuring someone by threatening something they fear, such as harm to the other person, losing the children or losing money, unless they do what is asked. The demand is usually to stay, come back, drop a complaint or give way on something day to day.
People who look up the emotional blackmail meaning often recognise the same steps. First comes a demand, then pressure when you hesitate, and then a threat about what will happen if you refuse. Guilt does a lot of the work. You may hear that you are selfish, that you are breaking up the family, or that you will have it on your conscience.
The term describes behaviour and is not a diagnosis of anyone. Some people link it with narcissism, and our guide to narcissistic abuse covers that pattern. A family court does not need a label for the other person. It looks at what they did and the effect on you and any children.
What threats do people describe?
The threats usually target whatever matters most to you: the other person’s safety, your children, your money and home, or your reputation. Several of them appear by name in the official guidance on domestic abuse, as the table shows.
| Threat | What it can sound like | Where the guidance names it |
|---|---|---|
| To harm themselves | “If you walk out that door, I’ll end it” | Threats of suicide to control a partner, especially to stop them leaving (CCB statutory guidance, para 84) |
| About the children | “Leave and I’ll make sure you never see them” | Using children to control a partner, such as threatening to take them away (Domestic Abuse Act statutory guidance, para 50) |
| Money or the home | “Go, and you’ll leave with nothing” | Economic abuse: behaviour that seriously affects your ability to get or use money or property (Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s.1(4)) |
| Exposing you | “I’ll tell everyone what you’re really like” | Threats to expose sensitive information or make false allegations to family, friends or work (CCB statutory guidance, para 32) |
| Reporting you | “I’ll call social services and they’ll take the kids” | Telling a partner that social services will be told or the children taken away (CCB statutory guidance, para 84) |
Threatening to share intimate photos or films is a separate criminal offence (Sexual Offences Act 2003, s.66B), and the police can deal with it directly.
Is emotional blackmail a crime?
Usually not as “blackmail”, because that offence is about money or property. It can still be a crime when it forms part of controlling or coercive behaviour, and it can be domestic abuse even when no crime is charged.
The offence of blackmail in section 21 of the Theft Act 1968 needs an unwarranted demand with menaces, made with a view to gain or to cause loss. Gain and loss there mean money or other property only (s.34(2)). A partner who threatens to expose you unless you hand over money may commit that offence, which carries up to fourteen years in prison. A partner who threatens to harm themselves unless you stay is not demanding property, so the law looks at it in other ways.
The main one is domestic abuse. Under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, behaviour between people aged 16 or over who are personally connected is abusive if it is controlling or coercive, or psychological or emotional abuse, among other things. A single incident can count, and so can a course of conduct (s.1(3)). Personally connected includes current and former partners, people who share a child, and relatives (s.2).
When does emotional blackmail become controlling or coercive behaviour?
It becomes the criminal offence when the threats are repeated or continuous, are meant to control you, and have a serious effect on your life. One threat said in a heated row will rarely meet that test, while months of threats that keep you from leaving may well do so.
Section 76 of the Serious Crime Act 2015 sets out the test. A serious effect means fearing, on at least two occasions, that violence will be used against you. It can also mean serious alarm or distress that has a substantial adverse effect on your usual day-to-day activities (s.76(4)). The person must know, or ought to know, that the behaviour will have that effect. The maximum sentence is five years in prison (s.76(11)).
Since 5 April 2023 the offence has applied to ex-partners whether or not they live with you (statutory guidance, paras 7 and 10). That matters here, because the guidance says this behaviour can persist and often increase when a relationship ends (para 8). It also warns that this kind of behaviour is a high-risk factor for future violence and a known risk factor in domestic homicides and suicides (para 45). Our guide to coercive control explains what proving the offence involves.
What should you do if a partner threatens to harm themselves?
Take the immediate risk seriously: if they say they are about to harm themselves, or have already done so, call 999. Once the emergency services are involved, you can decide about the relationship separately, because getting someone help does not mean you have to do what they demand.
The NHS advises calling 999 or going to A&E where someone has seriously harmed themselves or may be about to. The helplines it lists are free and take calls from people worried about someone else. Samaritans on 116 123 answers day or night. If it is safe, pass those numbers on or suggest they contact their GP or mental health crisis team.
Their safety matters, and so does yours. The statutory guidance names threats of suicide as a method of control, especially to stop a partner leaving. It also notes research linking perpetrator threats of suicide with domestic homicide (para 84). If the threats come with anger, or you feel afraid of them as well as for them, treat that as a warning sign for your own safety and contact a helpline. You are not responsible for another adult’s choices.
What if the threats are about the children?
Threats to take the children, stop you seeing them or report you to social services are a recognised form of control, and a family court treats them seriously. A child who sees, hears or lives with the effects of domestic abuse counts as a victim of it in law if either adult is their parent, has parental responsibility for them or is a relative (Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s.3).
Neither parent can simply decide that the other will never see the children. If you cannot agree, the court can make a child arrangements order about where a child lives and the time they spend with each parent, putting the child’s welfare first (Children Act 1989, s.1). Practice Direction 12J tells the court that domestic abuse is harmful to children (para 4). Our guide to domestic abuse and child contact explains how the court approaches arrangements after abuse.
How do you respond without making things worse?
Keep your replies short and calm, and do not argue about the threat itself. Write down each threat with the date and what you had just said or done, keep the messages, and get advice before you make a decision under pressure.
The CPS guidance on controlling or coercive behaviour lists suicide threats sent by text, email or social media among the evidence prosecutors look for, alongside a diary kept by the victim. So do not delete anything, even the messages you would rather never see again. Store copies somewhere the other person cannot reach.
Note what you have changed to avoid the threats, such as cancelling plans, staying in the relationship or agreeing to arrangements for the children you did not want. That effect on your daily life is one of the things the law measures (s.76(4)). Avoid naming the pattern to their face or telling them you are keeping a record. If a threat is about money, our guide to financial abuse and family law covers the money side.
Check what kind of emotional blackmail you are facing
Answer three questions about the threat, what they want and how often it happens. The panel then shows where that sits in law and what to keep. It also suggests which protection may fit and the decision that needs advice. Nothing you choose leaves this page.
0 of 3 answered
Answer all three to see where this sits
Any emergency step will show here.
- Where it sits in lawHow the law and the official guidance treat what you have chosen.
- What to keep from now onThe details worth recording for this kind of threat.
- Protection that may fitThe route that matches how serious it has become.
The call to make with adviceThe decision that depends on your safety and your children.
Can a court order stop the threats?
Yes, if you qualify. A family court can make a non-molestation order forbidding a partner or ex-partner from molesting you, and it can name particular acts such as threatening or contacting you. Breaking it without reasonable excuse is a criminal offence, and GOV.UK confirms there is no fee when you apply.
The court considers all the circumstances, including the need to secure your health, safety and well-being and that of any child (Family Law Act 1996, s.42(5)). An order can forbid molestation in general, particular acts, or both (s.42(6)). A breach can lead to up to five years in prison (s.42A). Where it is just and convenient, the court can make an order without notice to the other person first (s.45).
Who can you apply against?
You can apply against a spouse or former spouse, someone you live or lived with as a couple, a partner from a relationship of significant duration even if you never lived together, someone you share a child with or a relative, among others (s.62(3)). If you live together, an occupation order can decide who stays in the home. Our guide to the non-molestation order explains each step.
We advised a mother whose husband said, each time she raised separating, that he would take an overdose and that the children would grow up knowing it was her fault. Twice he sent her a photo of tablets late at night. She had stayed for two years and felt she was the only thing keeping him alive. We talked through calling 999 the next time he said he had taken something, so that his safety was in the hands of people trained for it. We also showed her how to put the messages in date order beside what she had said just before each one. That made it clear the threats came whenever she mentioned leaving. With that record she could weigh an application for a non-molestation order and proposals for the children. What happens in any family turns on its own facts.
Expert Tip
Beside each threat in your notes, write one line saying what you had just asked for or said. Clients are often surprised by what that column shows. The threats rarely come out of nowhere. They arrive when you mention leaving, a court date or a new arrangement for the children, and that timing is what turns a list of upsetting messages into a picture of control.
Hannah Overton, Complex Children Specialist & Client Support
Emotional blackmail: frequently asked questions
Can a parent or relative use emotional blackmail?
Yes. Relatives are personally connected under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, so a parent, adult child or sibling aged 16 or over can commit domestic abuse in law (s.2(1)(g)). A non-molestation order can also be made against a relative.
What if they really are struggling with their mental health?
Both things can be true. Someone can be unwell and still use threats to control you. Encourage them towards their GP, NHS 111 or Samaritans on 116 123, and call 999 in an emergency, while keeping decisions about the relationship for you.
Should I tell them it is emotional blackmail?
Not before you have support in place. Calling out the pattern to the person doing it can raise the risk, and it seldom stops the threats. The CPS guidance also flags the risk to a victim if the other person finds out about a diary. Talk to a helpline or a specialist first, keep your notes private, and plan how you will stay safe.
Can they stop me seeing the children because I left?
Not on their own say-so. If you cannot agree arrangements, either parent can ask the family court for a child arrangements order, and the court decides by putting the child’s welfare first (Children Act 1989, s.1).
Does it count as abuse if there has been no violence?
Yes, it can. Controlling or coercive behaviour and psychological or emotional abuse are both domestic abuse under the Domestic Abuse Act 2021, s.1(3), and a family court can make a protective order without any physical violence.
Worried the emotional blackmail will keep you stuck?
Two things often go wrong at this stage. One is agreeing to stay, or to drop a report or application, on the strength of a threat, which tends to teach the other person that threats work. The other is accepting arrangements for the children that you would never choose, just to stop the pressure. Those can be hard to change later.
A free initial consultation is a conversation with one of our family law specialists, who gives you initial advice tailored to your circumstances. It does not include drafting or reviewing documents. If it is safe to do so, have your notes to hand when we speak.
Book a free initial consultation or call 0330 094 5880.
You can also read our guides to coercive control and gaslighting, or return to our guide to hidden forms of abuse.
General information about the law in England and Wales, not advice on your circumstances.
